Alone

I am home alone by myself for 3 days while my room mate, Damien, is gone. But being physicly alone is nothing compared to the emotional alone I feel right now. Everything I have know has been turned upside down and sideways, in ALOT of different ways! I am on the verge of an awakening of myself, im finding things out about me I never knew at 29! Im on the cusp of 30 and im just now finding out who I rally am as a person and the effects of my actions where others are conserned. Right now I have one friend, Damien, and it hurts me that all the people I thought were my friends turned out to be backstabbing and two faced, but I guess most people are. I am going to shelter myself emotionaly, mentally, in manners of the heart, and work wise. I can trust only myself, which is ironic since im the one who hurts me the most. I am truely alone in southwest missouri. I have no family to count on, friends to back me up, or anyone that loves me, JoeLove. JoeLove is LoveLess. But I will rebound and bounce back this time. Im going to drasticlly change my life over the next six months. New car, new job, new town, a new life. No more dead end jobs, no more reliance on others to get done what needs to get done. No more letting people in so easily, minimal heartbreak that way. Or I could just move to Vegas and marry a stripper!


JoeLove out!

Bipolar???

So I have been doing some reaserch and I think I may have found my problem! If you know me you know I am about the the most kind, nice, outgoing people person there is. But recently I have felt myself slipping away, even more than usual. I am easily distracted, irritable, even hatefull at times. I go into this dark place no person should ever go. One day im on top of the world and in a great mood, then something will happen and it does a complete 180.

Today I lost my job because of it. My heads not right and I couldnt figure it out, Im still confused about alot. Next week I hope to make an appointment with a doctor and start to see a theripist. Why this is happening to me now I dont know. all I know is i feel like there are two of me. One that everyone loves to be around and be friends with and another that hates the world and everything in it. Its a funk that no matter how I try, or what I do I cant pull out of and it scares me.

So I got online today to look up my symptoms. I found that Bipolar disorder is the closest thing to what I have, at least that I can find, based on the symptoms. Aggressive behavior, poor choices, ideas rushing in my mind one after another, not being able to concentrate, extreme irritability, and an over abundance of energy at times are all symptoms of manic episodes caused by bipolar disorder. and those are the high side.
The low side consist of feeling intense sadness, too much or too little sleep and eating, feeling negitive or pessimisstic, feeling worthles hopeless and helpless, feeling angry, withdrawing from people and pushing them away, crying frequently, and unable to think clearly. Bipolar is commonly associated with dilusions and hallucinations. Which explains why I feel alot of the time things are done purposely to hurt me. and why that one day at work I couldnt figure out where I was and who was around me even though I had worked there almost a year with the same people.

I dont know whats going on with my head. all I know is im tired, I need help, and I cant live like this. There I poured my heart out for one maybe 2 people. All I know is that if I do have a bipolar dissorder, I dont want it and god or whoever the fuck is out there can have it fucking back!!!


JoeLove out!