Depression

So I quit my job a few weeks back, which means I'm prob gonna get my car repossessed, get kicked out of my house, and be homeless, jobless, and car less. But all that, as depressing as it is, is nothing compared to my heart breaking again. Now I know i deserve to no have another chance, i get that i screwed up and some people need the opportunity to move on. But I never deserved to be used in such a cruel and heartless way. I know people change, and that's fine, I know she changed, i just didn't know how bad she had changed. And for the worse, to the extreme! I have never been so hurt in my entire life. So hurt in fact I had so very unhealthy thoughts, thoughts I have had before but never to this extreme where I had planned everything out and even said some goodbyes. I recently had a cousin kill himself over a girl, and I remember saying to myself that he was stupid for doing it, but now I find myself having the exact same thoughts I'm sure he did. If my ex wife, who pined after me for so long, used me as a back up for her other guy, and has proven to me that she never wanted me, doesn't want me how can i ever assume someone else will want me? Part of me is wondering how i could let someone tear me down so much, destroy my self esteem so bad, make me think about killing myself. But she is getting what she wants it seems. I have struggled with the fact I left her, and that was a huge mistake on my part. But now I have gotten my mind and spirit to the point where I am willing to do what it takes to make it work, but now she doesn't want me. Who's to say she ever did. Its all my fault, I should have never left, and when I did I waited too long to come to my senses. Life feels very much hopeless and hapless. So I am going to move to St. Louis and live with my mom for awhile until I get my shit together, if that's even possible. The only thing holding me back from truly wanting to move and start my new life is the fact I will feel as if I am abandoning my boys. I love my boys with all my heart and I don't ever want to do anything to hurt them but leaving will do just that. But if i stay in Monett I will be homeless, jobless, and car less, like I mentioned before. What good will I be to them then? Plus I don't feel as if they should see me in the state that I'm in now. My life is very confusing right now and I'm not sure what I should do. Until we meet again...


JoeLove out!